True love is that our relationship is more important than right or wrong.
more than a year after his 17-year-old son committed suicide, the news of 45-year-old father Xu Shihai's undercover "death group" rescue went viral again, attracting the attention of netizens.
he said: "the pain I have experienced, I don't want others to experience it again."
netizens feel sorry for the father one after another: "using your own pain to redeem others, this father is too great, hope to crack down on this group, it is really too harmful."
"this father allows the young people in the death group to brake in time and have a chance to see a better world."
after his son's death, he couldn't accept it for a long time and asked himself painfully over and over again: how did my child get to this point when he was so good and sensible?
after the loss of his son, his undercover son used to go to the "death group" to save others for the rest of his life, while trying to find out the real reason for his son's suicide.
but there may have been clues about the death of my son.
saved other people's children, but their own children failed
on May 11, 2020, the day before his son Haoyu's accident, Xu Shihai was salvaging an old man in the Yellow River with the rescue team.
when he got home in the evening, Hao Yu kindly poured him tea, washed his clothes and mopped the floor.
early the next morning, a security guard knocked on the door and said, "there is a child who jumped from the top floor. Is that your child?"
Xu Shihai ran out and saw Hao Yu lying on the ground, wearing his favorite white clothes and black trousers and his favorite sports shoes.
". I'm sorry. I'm tired of this world. I hate the current situation of this society. I hate dissatisfaction with the world. I hate everything around me. I hate living like a fool. "
this is the message that Hao Yu sent to his friend before he died.
No one knows how long the night and despair the 17-year-old boy experienced before he died.
Xu Shihai's world collapsed from that moment, and he could not accept this tragedy for a long time.
in Xu Shihai's eyes, his son is 1.86 meters tall, handsome, helpful, artistic and sunny. Before jumping off the building, he had already planned the future and planned to work in new media or design industry.
what makes Xu Shihai proud most is that the child has always understood him and obeyed him.
Xu Shihai can't figure it out all the time, so a sensible and excellent child doesn't even want to die because of what?
in order to track down Hao Yu's death, Xu Shihai went through everything he left behind and checked all Hao Yu's social media accounts.
until he found out that his son often logged in QQ, he was stunned and shocked: it turned out that the sunny and cheerful Xiao Xu had already joined many "suicide groups" and "death groups."
the topics related to suicide often appear in the ordinary game groups, interest groups, and animation groups that he joins.
only then did he realize that he did not pay enough attention to his son.
the death appointment group is full of teenagers who talk about "death", and some of them will commit suicide together.
"enough, really enough."
"you can't be free until you're dead."
"I'm leaving. Are you coming?"
it turned out that his son Hao Yu had been at a low ebb of depression since then, but he was not aware of it at all.
and most of these children who are "bent on death" are about the same age as Hao Yu, and these death speeches stung him deeply.
so he "disguised" as a young man, undercover into the "death group", as soon as someone posted the topic of "want to die", he immediately added each other as a friend. And set it as "Special attention" to have a private chat.
at first his tone was inevitably moralistic and he was often kicked out of the group.
to this end, he began to learn Internet language, occasionally adding foul language when speaking.
will also read psychological books that study teenagers, and even go to the school gate to listen to students' chats in order to keep up with the trend.
after learning to be smart, he began to gain everyone's trust, so he started the "life-saving" mode.
once, a boy said "good-bye" in the group and climbed to the roof of the dormitory.
Xu Shihai talked with him for five hours.
at 4: 00 in the morning, the boy's words reassured him: don't worry, I'm over it.
in this way, he became a "watcher". Whenever someone wanted to "jump off a cliff", he wanted to pull.
sometimes he would say, "save other people's children, but not your own."
A good child in your eyes is already miserable inside
at first, Xu Shihai attributed his son's death to the "death group" and the black cartoons.
but with the deep ambush and undercover in "about death Group", he increasingly finds that he may not be able to absolve himself of the blame for Hao Yu's death.
because he found that children commit suicide, except for a small part of the reasons for school violence and sexual assault, most of them are due to family relationships: strict parents, neglected children.
there is a 14-year-old child who grew up in a single-parent family. Under the strict requirements of his mother, he should not only ensure academic excellence, but also share the responsibility of taking care of his younger brother.
although in the eyes of outsiders, the child is already very good and a sensible little man, no matter how hard he tries, all he gets is the harsh criticism of his mother.
sudden change in family, harsh criticism from mother, sensitive period of youth, great stress.
under heavy pressureThe 14-year-old child couldn't stand it any longer and thought of death.
"I'm so useless."
the experience of another child is even more terrifying. She is in the second year of senior high school and is regarded by everyone as a good student with both moral and academic excellence.
due to too much pressure, she had a nervous breakdown and begged her parents and teachers to ask for leave and rest. But didn't get any positive response.
"you just stay at home and die."
her father dropped a cold remark and cut off the child's living expenses.
in despair, she began to doubt life, family affection, and the idea of death.
if he hadn't met Xu Shihai, the child might have died.
in 2018, a research report, "investigation and Research on the current situation of suicide among Primary and Middle School students" was disclosed.
report summarizes the six major causes of suicide among middle school students, among which family conflicts account for 33% of the total. In the final analysis, the psychological problems of many children are also caused by the family.
although you get along with your children day and day, maybe you never really know your own child.
it's like Xu Shihai searched all over the world for the cause of his son's death, only to find that he "doesn't have a deeper understanding of Hao Yu."
in Xu Shihai's memory, he and Haoyu talked about everything.
Ke Haoyu wrote in his suicide note:
"No one wants to listen to my nonsense, so I don't bother to share it later."
"everyone only cares about what I did, so now that suicide has come true, are you satisfied?"
"you don't know anything, and you have to pretend that I am doing it for your own good."
on March 10th, Hao Yu wrote in Qzone: "good night, World."
is also accompanied by a particularly poignant picture, implying that Hao Yu has two faces, with a crying face hidden behind his smiling face.
this child is full of hate, leaving a suicide note signed "I m just a joker." A clown who doesn't even make himself laugh. "
Xu Shihai said, "I don't know what I hate." If this is also Hao Yu, then who is the "sunny and cheerful child" he knows?
the child, who is excellent, optimistic and sensible in the eyes of his parents, is already in agony.
this is not an isolated case, and there are many parents who realize that they do not know their children at all until their children commit suicide.
on December 9, 2020, there was also a case of juvenile suicide in Meishan.
A 12-year-old girl had a quarrel with her family. The girl jumped down from upstairs, and the medical staff came to the rescue hurriedly. In the end, the rescue was ineffective and the child died.
on June 17, 2016, a boy Amar'e Stoudemire committed suicide after the college entrance examination and wrote a long article of 2800 words, "accusing" his father of being unkind to him and saying that he could not feel the love of his parents.
the child's mother said, "how his son is willing to fight and be strict is for the good of the child. I didn't know the child thought so much."
the most distressing thing is that 50% to 75% of people have signs before committing suicide.
some children will write suicide notes and give their most precious things to others.
an 18-year-old high school student said when chatting with Xu Shihai:
"parents always think that if they have enough food and clothing to worry about, there is nothing to be unhappy about.
in their eyes, my pain is moaning without illness. "
the longer he stayed in the suicide group, the more Xu Shihai found:
"Today's children are not like us. Children will no longer worry about a little snack or an eraser.
they need more understanding and respect from their parents than better material life. "
just like there is a passage in the rest Notes: a person who really wants to die will no longer care about what people say. A person who talks about death, in my experience, does not really want to die, but is still eager to be loved.
True love is that our relationship is more important than right or wrong
there is a hot post on Zhihu:
A little girl lives in Beijing with her parents, but she didn't get into the Beijing school entrance examination and had to go back to her hometown to study in high school alone.
the girl is lonely in her hometown and can't get used to it in all aspects. Crying, she called her mother and said, "I am lonely and want to be with my parents."
Mom said, "what can I do?" Who told you not to study hard? What's the use of saying this at this time!
years later, she is still at odds with the matter.
she also knows that it is not realistic to go back to Beijing to study, but in fact, she just wants her mother to say to her, "Don't worry, Mom is here."
in fact, for children, what really makes them sad is not their setbacks or mistakes, but their parents' disregard or cynicism when they encounter problems:
what's the big deal!
what did I tell you? Now I know I regret it!
one slap won't make a sound! Reflect on yourself first.
this will only make children feel that parents are on the opposite side of themselves, and will only push the parent-child relationship farther and farther away, resulting in children-to-parents.A sense of distrust.
and all they want is a simple sentence: don't be afraid, Mom and Dad are with you!
there are always conflicts in parent-child relationships. Conflict is not terrible, the key lies in how to repair the relationship after the conflict.
it is very important to listen, have empathy and be able to understand the child from the child's point of view.
like a friend of mine who has a very good relationship with her parents, she told me about her experience after quarreling with her parents when she was a child.
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she said that her mother was very emotional and often quarreled with her over trifles, but when her mother calmed down, she would take the initiative to knock on her door, hold her hand and say, "Baby, I'm sorry, will you forgive Mom?"
and every time there is a conflict with her father, her father will cook her favorite dishes to coax her, and will listen to her say what she thinks with a smile.
she doesn't remember why she quarreled with her parents in the first place, but she all remembers that her parents were willing to take the initiative to be soft and listen to the emotion brought to her.
Children's world is not as simple as parents imagine.
there are some things that adults feel nothing about, but from the children's point of view, the sky may be falling.
so never be self-righteous: my child has always been fine and normal.
Children on the brink of collapse, an unwitting rebuke from their parents, or an infection of grievous atmosphere in suicide groups, may push them to the abyss of death.
but on the contrary, when depression haunts children, parents listen patiently and persuade them, or just a word of concern, and everything will be different.
when parents are able to extend their arms to their children after the cracks in the parent-child relationship again and again, they are telling their children that I will always accept you and will never give up on you.
True love is that our relationship is more important than right or wrong.
as long as you persist in doing so, you will find that your children will grow up healthily and happily.
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