there is a heart-wrenching question on Zhihu: "when did you lose your heart to marriage?"

in the following nearly 7000 answers, I see the following sentence:

"Nobody cared at first, but a quarrel, a disappointment, a cry, until we couldn't go back."

after talking to thousands of couples, I found that many people didn't really understand marriage, so they got into it hastily.

the losses they suffered in their marriage and the detours they took could have been avoided early.

these 18 hidden rules behind marriage can help us build a better and longer-lasting marriage model from the start.

share it with you.

01

Marriage is the icing on the cake, not timely help

Marriage can never solve any problem. It is a difficult and unavoidable problem in itself.

in the fairy tale, the prince and Cinderella live happily together, but in reality they don't even have a chance to meet.

so it is wishful thinking to count on marriage to save your loneliness, poverty and bad life.

Marriage is always the icing on the cake. Only when you understand it, will you be able to cope with it.

02

falling in love does not solve all the problems after marriage

before entering into marriage, many people feel that there is nothing that cannot be solved as long as they fall in love.

but the conflict between love and marriage lies in:

Love is romantic and eternal, while marriage is firewood, quarrel and patience.

it is easier to fall in love than to get along with each other. The broken life will gradually wear away the initial passion and patience of two people.

A marriage without love is a hooligan, but a marriage sustained only by love is doomed to be precarious and vulnerable.

03

unequal marriages will perish sooner or later

in ancient times, marriage was a perfect match, but now free love pays attention to spiritual independence and harmony of the three values.

in the final analysis, it all means that "equal marital relationships are stable."

this equivalence does not mean exactly the same economic conditions. If you have 10,000 yuan, I must also have 10,000 yuan.

it means that no one is on the weak side of the relationship, but each has his or her own strengths.

just like Guo Jingjing and Huo Qigang, you are the son of a wealthy family, I am the world champion, no one is inferior to the other, and no one will look down on the other.

A close match is the best relationship.

04

be careful when choosing "stay-at-home dad" or "stay-at-home mom"

the "sacrifice" in marriage should be considered as a fair exchange, you make money, I take care of the children, division of labor and cooperation.

but things are always moving in an unpredictable direction, which gives "stay-at-home parents" a great sense of crisis.

so ask yourself: are you ready to sacrifice?

sacrifice your social circle, your workplace income, your interests and dreams, and devote yourself to taking care of the children.

when there is a big difference in the social circle of two people, and the pace is gradually inconsistent, will your partner affirm your efforts and sacrifices, and how can you make up for the gap between you?

05

the vast majority of conflicts after marriage can be solved with money

Love is before marriage and reality after marriage.

Love can be romantic, but in real life, food must come first.

some people say that most of the unhappiness in marriage lies in not making enough money!

the economic base determines the superstructure, and love without material is doomed to ups and downs.

so you must think twice about naked marriage. It is more important than anything else to go to bed early and earn more money when you are free.

06

Children are not a reason to maintain a marriage

A survey shows that 70% of men encourage their wives to have children, while only 17% of men have children in divorce.

this is enough to warn women that children can never bind a man, let alone sew a marriage together.

Adults should always be responsible for their choices.

if you have a child, it must be out of love, not as a tool to save parents' lives.

07

the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law depends on a man's attitude and behavior

since ancient times, the contradiction and war between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law have never stopped.

from a stranger to a family, two people are connected by the bridge of men.

throughout the harmonious relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, it does not lie in what the mother-in-law has done, but in the attitude and handling of men.

if the man is not mentally weaned, no matter whether the mother-in-law is true or false, the family will still jump.

08

need to give each other more space in marriage than in love

I have seen a lot of similar news in which men hide in their cars after work and stay for an hour before going home to avoid their wives who talk all day long.

and some wives can't stand the 24-hour surveillance of men, and their strong desire for control and possessiveness make people breathless.

if both parties can realize that even if they are married, they are two independent individuals, and there must be a "degree" in everything;

there is no need to put too muchIf you pay attention to each other, you can give each other maximum freedom.

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establishing a sense of boundaries and space in a marriage will not make the relationship unbalanced.

09

Don't treat your husband like a son, don't treat your wife like a mother

after women get married, they tend to have some motherhood.

some people worry about everything when they take care of their husbands like their sons, and sometimes they even get angry when they are disobedient.

after getting married, the man seems to have picked up a mother, left nothing at home and asked his wife to do this and that.

this kind of identity dislocation makes the two people have uncontrollable emotional anxiety.

people must know how to position themselves, who they are, what to do and what not to do.

10

in a good marital relationship, it is more important to talk about "affection" than "reason"

many people often say, if you love me, don't reason with me.

when there are disputes and conflicts, we are used to blaming each other, and it is difficult to realize if we are also at fault.

but in fact, the essence of marriage is a cooperative relationship. In marriage, what is more important than love is the sense of cooperation.

it means that we have to abide by the most basic contract in social relations, that is, being reasonable and obeying rules.

blindly talk about "emotion" instead of "reason". All the rules have to be controlled by emotion and emotion, and this family is bound to be out of order.

11

Don't take other people's standards and be exacting on your partner

the short video platform is becoming more and more developed, and we often watch others show their love.

other people's husbands are tall, handsome and rich, and other people's wives are still beautiful when they have children.

We laughed into lemon essence in front of the screen, looked up at our partner, and got angry for no reason.

there is no end to the road of keeping up with the comparisons. Blindly keeping up with the comparisons will only make you fall into endless loss and never feel happy.

there is no perfect lover or perfect marriage in this world. Contentment is the best attitude.

12

most marriages are ruined by not being able to "talk well"

some people say:

"speech injuries are all hidden wounds; they have their own slow-release effect. If no one wakes up, they will not know until death."

hurtful words blurt out, you think the other person does not care, in fact, it is buried in the heart, not not sad, but forget it.

one day, I have accumulated too much disappointment that no matter how good it is, I can't get it back.

Frost was not built in a day. Too many marriages are ruined by countless times of not talking properly.

Adults should learn to control their emotions, watch their mouths, and don't do things that can't end on impulse.

13

Marriage is not an one-sided effort. You should understand empathy and transposition

what I fear most in marriage is to take all the other person's love and giving for granted.

one person gives and gives unconditionally, while the other takes and receives passively.

when one never gets a response to what one gives, the passionate love will be exhausted.

be a person with palms down, learn to give and understand, and put yourself in each other's shoes.

only in this way can a marriage be balanced and lasting.

14

it is always easier and more effective to change yourself than to change each other

there is a widespread saying that changing oneself is a god and changing others is a psychopath.

people who try to change each other in a marriage end up disappointed.

instead of worrying that the other person is not what you want, you might as well change yourself and try to accept the other person.

A long-term marriage is to accept it from the bottom of your heart and see each other's strengths and strengths.

only two people can be themselves and get along with each other freely, which is the most comfortable marriage state.

15

A lot of things don't need to be studied in detail

A lot of problems, don't look at them carefully, it's rare to be confused

if you ask more questions about big and small love events in a marriage, it will only add to your troubles, and even backfire.

Life is the process of constantly creating problems. You have to take a magnifying glass and find out that not only you are tired, but the other person is also tired for you, and you also feel tired when you are together.

inadvertent things, turn a blind eye and turn a blind eye, there is no need to take it seriously.

Marriage is like flying a kite. It will fly higher and higher when it is time to fly and receive it when it is time to receive it.

16

Marriage is indeed irreparable, and there is nothing wrong with self-insurance

sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we can't stop our marriage from failing.

such as infidelity, domestic violence, bad behavior, if the marriage is really irreparable, please learn to protect yourself as soon as possible.

stop losses in time and retain evidence can help us fight for the rights and interests we deserve.

if you really come to the situation of going to court, you will not be powerless to fight back.

take a clear look at this relationship, draw experiences and lessons from it, and go on strongly and bravely.

17

never give up self-growth just because you are married

many people are married, devote most of their energy to taking care of their families and children, and have little time to pay attention to themselves.

if you can't keep protectingIt is human nature to hold your own charm and your lover's eyes will glance away.

so don't give up the possibility of making yourself better at any time, manage your figure, read and study, develop a hobby, etc.

when you become a better person, continue to grow and progress, you will have a higher vision and pattern.

who doesn't want to have such a partner?

18

growing up women need pain, but so do men

it is generally accepted that women are weak, so they need to be loved and cared for.

but in fact, men also need care, but they can't express themselves and are good at hiding their emotions.

once saw a picture that was very heart-wrenching. A man had more than 10 knives stuck in his back and was dripping with blood.

A woman has only one knife on her back. she cried and told the man that she was in pain, but the man kept comforting her regardless of his own pain.

Marriage is mutual, and the most important thing is to respect each other. Only when two people can pay attention to each other and respect each other's feelings and personality, the relationship will last forever.

▽

Qian Zhongshu once said:

"the best way to live is to be quiet and rich when you are alone, and warm and down-to-earth when you are alone."

the above 18 pieces of advice apply not only before marriage but also after marriage.

, may someone understand your strength and cherish the softness of your heart.

May you spend the rest of your life with the person next to you and live the most confident and happy life.

share with your friends.